It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Thursday, November 27, 2003
withers away @ 8:37 pm

i did my pae liao.... hiya sianz ah... tml onwards until 5th going on a mad travelling spree liaoz... wonder wad i shld get for my frenz... hmmmm although exchange rate is 1 to 19, my dad say the stuff there r ex..... hmmmmmm... i'm tokin onphone wif el now.... she remem abt pae, budden forgot abt the PIN no on the form a. coz she needs to use the com at her father's office to get to the net, coz her modem at home is X___x.. if she forget to bring her form a to her dad's office she'll die... haha... hiya diz one needs a lot of reminders... wonder how she'll suffer w/o us... hmmm hope she does well... mel going to m'sia on sun... see how she does for her interview... so she may or may not come back for prom... hmmm wish i could see her again....

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, November 26, 2003
withers away @ 8:20 pm

hiya sianz... ah bao doing her pae now... eh... for me ah.. i dun even noe wad to put beyond the 3rd choice.. how to do??? havent discuss wif cyn dear yet... sighz... dun really feel like putting any choice after the 3rd... hiya budden i will still put in the end lah... mum tell me to anyhow put... eh... dun exactly like tt idea... anyway i juz realized tt i do haf loads of bags at home... juz tt i din noe they existed coz my mum kept tt in some stupid corner in her cupboard... eh... oso due to my forgetfulness lah... heehee anyway leaving real soon... sighz gonna miss everyone here...

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, November 25, 2003
withers away @ 8:46 pm

hiya so sad... things havent really been in my way... the class reunion i've been waiting for is on diz fri!!! n i'm going m'sia on the same day!!! :'( y so unlucky one!! wah lao... after we go jc i tell u sure no time one... argh.... huh... den lidat i'll miss the chance of seeing them for probably the last time?!?! *sObZ*

It's something Mystical

Monday, November 24, 2003
withers away @ 3:58 pm

well well want to go wif cyn to kbox leh... budden mum dun wanna let me go... hmmmm i shall try n bug her today w/o getting us on bad terms again... hmmm today went back to sch for last time to get testimonal, grad cert, form a etc... n guess wad... as usual, pk got me n cyn mixed up, n when she copied n pasted cyn's para on choir, she forgot to change the name to mine! so splat in the middle of my testimonal a someone called cynthia... argh!!n thing is today she's not in sch, so i gotta get it on another day.. like when? n all our photos r still wif her, when she said she was going to return them to us today... well, mebbe she had to rush our testimonals out, so she fell sick... hope she's ok... anywayz, going to m'sia frm 28 to 30 nov, den to taiwan frm 1-5dec so i will disappear frm here on these days loh cya soon!

It's something Mystical

Saturday, November 22, 2003
withers away @ 10:37 pm

well sorry, yesterday v bad mood.... anyway went shopping today again... leg v poor thing.... hiya v sian everyday.... v sian.... budden ah i got no time to go online, no time to listen to new cd... v cham leh... hiya so stupid... budden ah v good, my father like v halfheartedly want to shop for clothes lidat leh... he v good lah... clothes all haf holes liao still dun wanna buy new ones... i tink he wants to freeze to death liao.. haha.... oh nvm... but me n my mum r not intending to freeze leh.... hiya dunno lah... n i cannot find shoes lah so infuriating... nice one too tall, den i cannot wear, if not i bang railings everyware.... when i finally found the shoe i want, which if of correct ht, den dun haf my size... arghhhhhhhhhh
nvm....hiya go n play liao lah bye peeps

It's something Mystical

Friday, November 21, 2003
withers away @ 10:06 pm

do i really look as tho i overspend n spend my parents' hardearned money on stupid stuff? it's starting to dawn on me tt i really am loh.... it seems to b tt i'm juz spending money like no one's business n like letting the tap flow lidat... i'm just a teenager; i need a life like one. i noe i'm not rich, i noe my family is not rich, i noe we r having a hard time trying to pay the monthly instalments for the house, i noe tt money is not easily earned, i noe money doesnt fall frm the sky. so looks like i'm asking too much to buy cds n buy a hp n go overseas wif choir lah. i'm just being inconsiderate, a total idiot who doesnt care abt the house shattering lah. i noe all these r not necessities... ah duh. i admit, i'm spending money unnecessarily happy. how often do i get to splurge once? how much do i get to splurge at one go? 100 or 1000? i noe she doesnt go around buying this n buying tt for herself n i noe i'm starting to do tt by buying cds tt she doesnt noe how to listen to, so i'm wrong in spending money on myself loh. issnt tt wad she's trying to say? we had a tiff n now we seem to b ok but i noe we're not. once i buy another cd she's going to go mad again. i noe money doesnt come by easily, i noe my father goes ard splurging like no one's business n giving money to everyone as tho he's a millionaire, she's afraid tt i will become lidat. but i've got my own thinking. i dun go ard spending thousands of dollars at a go. i noe wad she says is right; ji shao cheng duo. but wad makes her think tt i'm going to end up like my father wif cds tt even the cd rack which is the same ht as my tv can't store all of them? i haf some sense why can't she juz understand diz? i haf sense to not spend so much money until we go n live on the streets; i haf sense to wear more clothes when it's cold; i haf sense to close the windows when it's pouring; i haf sense to look at the situation b4 me n make changes to improve it. i'm not a 3 yr old kid anymore. true, i'm an only child, i'm a girl, but wad's wrong wif tt? i noe i face stress tt i can't stand, i noe i'm vulnerable, i noe i'm easily hurt, so does tt make me someone who's supposed to stay at home n lose contact wif the world? i juz want to live a life tt i want to live, i juz want to experience wad ppl of my age experiences. i dun want to wait until i'm 60 den come n buy cds. tt's absurd. but of coz i wun let myself end up on the streets when i'm 60. tt's absurd too. i've lost too much in the past bcoz i'm living a life my mum wants me to live. i've lost so much tt i'm losing confidence. i dun want to continue lidat. is wad i'm doing wrong?

It's something Mystical

Thursday, November 20, 2003
withers away @ 10:47 pm

hiya now tt hols come den realize i got nthg to write here loh.... coz no stress, no studies, no nthg... so nthg to write loh... eh... going out wif cyn tml... woohoooo budden i tink it will b quite tiring... hiya who cares... now i'm slacking until wah lao... really damn slack man... kenneth suggested i go n learn sthg... like musical instrument... hmmm budden frm who leh? my fren juz told me abt a famous amos job business... they r hiring ppl! not bad leh... at specialist place n tampines... tampines too far lah... specialist still can consider.. she say got walk in interview frm 22nd onwards... ppl wanna go n try?

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, November 18, 2003
withers away @ 11:04 pm

well it's been a loooooooong time ever since i last stepped in here to tok... overall os was ok... i'm so glad it's all over... like wake up frm nitemare lidat... haha.... i'm quite sure i wun b able to get 10A1s.... hmmm coz of my jap n eng.... they would probably land in A2 or B3... i guess i really need to tink how to spend my hols leh yoohoooooooooooooooooooo...

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, November 12, 2003
withers away @ 12:59 pm

oh well... today's jap wasnt v nice... erm.... dun hope too much... oh no i juz found out tt the career seminar registration is by today! hoolooloo... ok muz go n do tt survey to register now.. den later muz study bio n jap... i tink i will die.. but nvm...

It's something Mystical

Monday, November 10, 2003
withers away @ 12:11 pm

today's amaths was quite a nice piece of cake to eat.. hmmm... tml's phy... suan le ba... eh.... den the rest of the papers muz ganbatte! shuo dao ganbatte... my jap... argh... anywayz, i feel so sick of everything... wanting to play liao loh....
yoohoo i going taiwan frm 1-5 dec!!! congratulate me i finally flying k!! although the prog is not all tt fun n interesting, i suppose it can provide me wif an experience tt i've never had before... yoohoo:D

It's something Mystical

Friday, November 07, 2003
withers away @ 10:24 pm

well the chinese paper today was ok... wasnt too bad... hmmm... but i'm slacking now again n singing qing tian... hiya... now already 10+... wad u want me to do?? anyway today those 5 crazy ppl came to my house to go mad.... in betw chinese... 3 of us in living rm... 3 in my bedrm... oh well as usual we didnt manage to study anything much... we were almost late.... oh my... juz when can they juz come to my hse n not bother if they r late or not?? sighz... really dreaming abt wad's going to happen liao loh.. ah i dun want os!!!!!!

It's something Mystical

Thursday, November 06, 2003
withers away @ 12:31 pm

tml is chinese paper... so far the papers still ok loh.... hmmm now slacking loh... heehee... budden nvm lah... i noe i wun slack for long... my chinese good is good, budden if i dun study, esp the sec 4 syllabus i will die... n el v good... lose her sec 2 n 4 ci yu shou ce... den how she study ah?? she better haf some brains to buy.. later she juz worry n worry n dun do a thing abt it... sighz... alaba.... we r nearly half way thru our exams yoohoooooooo dreaming of going to chalet n beach n cycling n shopping n watching movies n going online to chat until 1am n watching tv which starts at 11+ n making friendship bands n writing my diary n oh my i haf so many things to do... but of coz i still muz study a bit for jlpt n sat... eh... n of coz i will slack n do nthg for quite a few days... probably stick myself in front of the com... haha.. ok gotta go n study liao lah... 1230 liao...

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, November 04, 2003
withers away @ 8:48 pm

hiya every time i say i heck of coz i ended up not hecking. i won't allow myself to die juz lidat. want to die oso muz die for a good cause, not diz...
today ss n eng... eh i can forget abt 10 a1s... looking at my eng ah... suan le ba... ss ah... not tt bad lah... dun haf mix of topics in one qn loh... budden not tt good oso loh.... hiya dunno lah...
as u can see, i'm slacking now... eh... chinese shld b able to finish studying... amaths n emaths is ok... the next paper will b phy liao... diz one ah... suan le... next one jap... oh no.... den bio wif jap... double trouble... chem... still ok budden i didnt touch a thing.... now i'm so glad tt ms lee ask me to go back for lessons.... at least i got do thing on chem man.... den next is.... geog? eh can't remem... geog can lah... until there no need to worry liao.... woa tt's going to b fast... hmmm everything's going to b over soon... tt's great.... i can't wait for all this to b over...
i dunno wad's wrong wif my blog leh... start in the middle of the pg... sometimes lidat sometimes nv... n i nv touch my template wad... wad's wrong?

It's something Mystical

Monday, November 03, 2003
withers away @ 8:45 pm

i'm juz sick n tired... nvm.... let's heck.

It's something Mystical